I can remember when I first starting working on my codependency tools and how hard detaching was for me. If you were anything like me, (or maybe still struggle with this), I was SO addicted to controlling my loved ones (especially my guy!), like a thermostat reacting to anything they did or said and caught up in the dance of the drama!
Detaching to me at first meant not loving the other person. Or maybe feeling guilty for not taking on their responsibilities and rescuing them from their own consequences. I remember feeling like detaching was the most empty, unloving, irresponsible thing I could do! Coming from a past of being responsible for everyone and having to be the hero child growing up, my “fixing” people and situations was a way I could feel needed and self righteous. Really hiding behind my shame.
As I really work with teaching this concept with clients today, I am compassionate with them when this healthy, valuable tool seems so difficult in the beginning. At first, we have to really Act As If, stumble with it, fail at it, try again, get angry in order to detach, before it becomes something that we automatically know how to do in order to gain peace and let God do his work (once we get out of his way).
I only knew how to detach in those days with anger. I had to be really pissed off before I would take my hands of things and go about my own business. I had to stay mad at the one I was detaching from in order to detach! Anger was my tool to detach. As I look back, that was ok. I was fumbling, learning new behaviors. It took me awhile to know how to detach and let go from a place of love. Love for me and the others involved.
I was thinking about all of this today when a situation of drama, gossip, and an opportunity for me to fix a family member came up!(I can also remember the day that a situation like this would have my adrenaline going all day) I was able to easily come from a place of love and speak with emotional integrity and truth without emotion. Then, give it to God and detach. Today, it is a familiar feeling to detach with love.
But I so clearly remember when it wasn’t. It was “normal” for me to become engaged with fixing and rescuing and of course enabling others so they wouldn’t have to hurt. Then, I could be the hero once again.
The thing is, detaching never fails. All the crazy thoughts of ‘what if” come flooding through our head, but when we have a few opportunities to see how detaching emotionally and physically feels and the outcome, it is so worth doing. So many benefits come from it. We get to unplug from the drama and go take care of ourselves in a healthy way. It puts the responsibility back in the lap of those who need to learn the lessons they are trying to figure out without us getting involved. It keeps us from those 2 dreaded activities that are so futile…. Debating and Defending ourselves. You also gain peace, freedom and power.
Whatever you are trying to fix, manage, help, control…..controls you. When we stop these behaviors, we are off the hook for their problems and outcomes.
Detaching isnt about being unfeeling, aloof, not interested, emotionally shut down or unloving. Its about letting go with love. Taking our hands off and trusting God and his Universe for the outcomes.
Let’s all remember that in our codependent behaviors we become too attached—-not because we love so much….but because we need so much. We can learn to enjoy our lives again despite the problems and behavior of another person. I know. Ive had to practice it over and over. It always works.
~Namaste~ Debbie
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