I hear alot about self- love these days. It’s actually something I have worked hard on developing through the years. I wasn’t role modeled that in my dysfunctional family of origin. Not knowing how to love myself caused me alot of problems and heartache in all areas of life. Many people think self love is egotistical and conceited, but actually egotists and conceited people don’t love themselves at all. They actually compensate for a lack of self-love. Codependents think too little of themselves, not too much.
Love for self is part of becoming healthy. Even the Bible says, “Love thy neighbor as much as you love thyself”. You’re as worthy of love as anyone else on the planet. Actually, the more you love yourself, the more you can love others. Also, your only able to receive as much love as you give to yourself. How many of us have been in relationships struggling to get the other person to love us over and over, not realizing, they didn’t even love themselves, and were incapable of loving us? Yet, we kept trying and trying to do things to get love from them? I call that “continuing to go to the hardware store and trying to buy milk!” It’s just not there.
Love involves understanding, patience, respect, acceptance, responsibility and compassion. These should not only be experienced for others, but for Self also. As you develop these aspects in yourself, your ability to love yourself and others grows. Although self-love is an important goal, it’s not easily attained if we were not modeled that. I for example was taught by my good codependent family role models, that everyone and everything else comes before me. There were no boundaries between “caring and care taking”.
Notice if when your stressed, overwhelmed, upset, or exhausted, you attempt to do even more instead of caring for yourself. This is challenging if you didn’t feel accepted or nurtured as a child. You may find that you treat yourself harshly or with indifference. I remember when I was first started learning the principles of self-love, when I would do something loving and nurturing for me, or say NO to someone, the first emotion I felt was guilt and shame. It was not a comfortable feeling to put myself first at times. I was so used to taking care of others and their needs, rescuing others, enabling and fixing those around me, it didn’t even occur to me that my needs were important! I had to do what I tell my coda clients today…”Act As If”, and the feeling will come later.
I found that the ability to have self love required faith, just as love requires faith when you risk committing your heart. The faith required in self-love is what enables you to give yourself permission to have your feelings without going into anxiety and judgement of yourself. To learn to comfort yourself. Spending time alone with yourself is crucial and a meditation practice is helpful in developing the ability to feel deep down inside. I love journals. I have kept journals for 25 years. I love being able to write down my feelings and experiences and get them out of me. I find journaling is very 
healing and allows you to get to know yourself more. They are also good for reflecting back to see how far you have grown.
I encourage others who are on this journey of self-love, to ask themselves several times a day, “what am I feeling?” “What do I need and want?” and “What is the most loving choice I can make for myself right now?” The answer will come. Give yourself permission to meet your needs, including rest, quiet time alone, healthy foods, joy, being with friends, compassion, a vacation, a day at the spa, losing weight to feel better, or starting some kind of exercise program.
Loving yourself is a life journey. It’s the core to healthier relationships with others and yourself and rewards you with huge benefits—-increased self esteem, peace, well-being, empowerment, and being healthy emotionally, spiritually and physically. You can consider it a spiritual practice because it requires awareness, respect, and kindness towards yourself as one of God’s creations. Loving your self for 10 minutes a day is a good start. I also like the exercise of mirror work. I believe it is very powerful. Look in the mirror each day and say “I love you, I really, really love you”. How does it feel? Uncomfortable? False? Emotional? After awhile, you start to really mean it and feel it.
Watch and be aware of the opportunities you have through out the day —often moment by moment–in your actions and the way you listen and speak to yourself. Having the awareness of how you love yourself is the beginning. Start today by implementing some self-love practices into your daily schedule. Your so worth it!
Debbie Sherrick
www.insideoutwellnesscoach.com
Insideout Wellness is available for private or group coda coaching.