Since Valentines Day is tomorrow, I thought my blog this week should be about self love. After all, it is the hardest thing for codependents to learn. We spend years looking for that perfect love to make us feel whole on the inside. Always looking outside of ourselves to feel good on the inside. If you are not in a relationship this Valentines, wouldn’t it be nice to just love on yourself and treat yourself how you would LIKE to be loved and treated? To be your own Valentine? If you have not gotten to that place of self love and feeling whole and complete with yourself, then Valentines Day can be a symbol for you that you have not gotten the love yet that you have been longing for all of your life. 
Sometimes when I am first coaching a new client and I bring up that we will be learning self-love and self-respect before we can get it from others, I get a blank look, or they look at me like I have 3 heads! That’s because the lack of relationship with self and lack of self love is the core of codependency. We were not mirrored to have a good relationship with self or to respect and love ourselves. Therefore, in the beginning, it feels self centered, or off balance. Just plain uncomfortable. The answer is to start now. Start in baby steps. Learn to be gentle, forgiving, loving and nurturing with yourself. If you are habitually critical and shaming of yourself, you will first need to pay attention to your self talk and learn to change your belief system about your value. We may have gotten wrong messages growing up in our family of origin that we were not that lovable. Maybe we were neglected, discounted, shamed, or abused. By not liking ourselves we can be repeating the behavior we received as a child. In other words, its the only way we know how to treat ourselves. It’s learned behavior. And before you start defending your childhood, our opinion of ourselves is a direct reflection of what we were taught growing up.
Start by “acting as if” or going through the motions if you need to until the feeling comes. Stop the patterns you have created to not like yourself. Ask yourself how you would like to be treated in a relationship then start treating yourself that way. Instead of criticizing yourself, start by complimenting yourself on things you do through out the day. Watch how you think in your head. Instead of saying “I should be….” replace it with “I could “. Should is shaming and comes from not feeling good enough. When you wake up in the morning, tell yourself you deserve all the goodness the Universe has to offer you! I love mirror work and believe it is very powerful. Look in the mirror each morning and tell yourself “I love you”. It may feel weird at first, but the feeling changes deep inside after a while. Know that you are deserving of love and you can do loving things for yourself.
I remember when I first started nurturing myself and learning self love. I was such a rescuer and caretaker of others, I had no clue how to do nurturing, loving things for myself. It felt so foreign. I remember 28 years ago, my wonderful therapist gave me assignments each week. One week I made myself a beautiful dinner of foods I loved, my favorite wine, flowers, my best china, favorite music, etc. It felt so uncomfortable and undeserving back then. Each loving, nurturing thing I did each day and week, I began to feel loved and believe that I deserved love. Once I learned to love and respect the woman God had created, I then attracted someone to treat me in the same manner.
Our relationships are just mirrors of our own inner belief system about self. We can learn to love ourselves as a beautiful creation of the creator, love others, and let them love us. Until we learn to appreciate, respect and love who we are…..flaws and all……will others reflect that back to us. It is not about being self-centered. Self centered people are self destructive and insecure. People who truly love themselves do not abuse themselves or others. They do not stop growing and changing from the insideout. When we learn to love ourselves in a healthy way, we will be able to love others in a more healthy way also.
So work hard at loving yourself this Valentines. Work as hard at loving yourself as you have at not liking yourself. Practice and ask God to help you let go of self destructive habits that aren’t loving. Hold yourself in high esteem and believe that you are worthy of love.
May you love and be loved this Valentines,
Debbie Sherrick
Wellness/Codependency Coach