I was reading this story today and realized how codependent this woman was. I felt so bad for her. Do you remember the story of Rachel and Leah in the Bible? It’s a great story of someone turning themselves insideout trying to win someones love, a story of resentment, and about a woman who kept settling and not being true to herself. She also was a great martyr and loyal to her own detriment (can you relate?) Isaac’s son Jacob was very much in love with beautiful Rachel. But her father tricked him into marrying his oldest daughter Leah first (dysfunction clear through this family!)
The two sisters constantly competed for Jacobs love and attention. Leah had lost right from the start as Jacob had never loved her from the beginning. Rachel deeply resented her. In Genesis it says that God saw that Leah was not loved and he had great compassion for her (I love that about God!) So God blessed her with children, something Rachel couldn’t have. Leah was of course thrilled about this and thought by producing an heir for Jacob she would win his love and respect (right here I can think of some people pleasing things Ive done in my past to win attention and love) She even said “The Lord has seen my misery, surely Jacob will love me now”. Didn’t happen. Son number 2. Didn’t happen. By son number 3 she said “now my husband will become attached to me because I gave him 3 sons” But Jacobs feelings for Leah never changed. He was still in love with her sister Rachel.
I think alot of us can identify with Leaha’s heartbreak and know what the pain of rejection feels like. Maybe you have tried everything you can think of, done everything that you know to do, jumped through hoops, bent over backwards—only to discover as Leah did, that you cant make someone love you or be available to you. I call that “going to the hardware store and trying to buy milk”, or trying to teach a pig to sing, it just aint happening! Believe what people show you and how they treat you. No one should have to try to win someones love or approval. Maybe you’ve been doing this since you were little with your parents or friends.
With the birth of her 4th son, Leah finally saw the light. She said “This time, I will look towards God and praise him as my source” The truth is that there is just no point in trying to earn love and acceptance from those unwilling or unable to give it. All the effort is draining and leaks energy from you, leaves you feeling empty, lonely, frustrated and depressed.
There is a power greater than ourselves, who loves us with an unconditional, everlasting love. I happen to know that power is available to all of us, as is the unconditional love. I want to encourage you to live vertically for that love and acceptance. Staying in the now, loving yourself unconditionally, validating yourself, accepting yourself, and staying connected to the never ending love of God, your Source. That’s what I call living vertically. Once we learn to do this, we wont be looking outside of ourselves to fill that empty place inside. Struggling to be a certain way for someone so they love us. Then, when someone worthy does come along, they too will love us as we are…we wont have to work for it or change who we are.
To Thine Own Self Be True,
Debbie Sherrick/codependency coach. 