People with weak or no boundaries feel vulnerable being in a close relationships where they lose themselves and their identity. They get into them quickly, say Yes when they mean NO. They trust too quickly and reveal everything about themselves too quickly, they have no personal identity, friends, hobbies or lack self-empowerment. When this boundary between you and someone else doesn’t exist or is very blurry, it is called “enmeshment” These relationship produce alot of fear and are painful.
One way to tell if you are “enmeshed” is that you feel responsible for and react to your partners feelings, moods, decisions and problems and obsess about them, but can’t take responsibility for your own feelings and behaviors. I call this being a thermostat. It’s “I’m happy if your happy”, or “I’m sad if your sad” “If you have a problem, then I have a problem” Everything we do and feel, is based on the other persons life and decisions. If you have worked with me about coda coaching, you have heard me say that “you can’t take care of your own feelings and someone else’s at the same time.”
I remember the first time I told my alchoholic Father that he could’nt come to my home drunk anymore because I didn’t want my children exposed to that as I had been as a child. I was more worried about his reaction, then taking care of myself and setting that boundary for myself! My very wise therapist at the time taught me that his reaction doesn’t matter, nor does it have to hurt me or upset me. I was setting a healthy boundary for me and taking care of me. I was taught to be such a caretaker growing up, I thought I was responsible for others feeling too!
INTERDEPENDENT RELATIONSHIPS
Codependents think the ideal relationship is when “we” are “one”. Mainly because they are so needy to have someone make them whole.When we first meet someone, it is natural to want to be with that person alot. Over time, their lives and routines become intertwined. They like helping, talking, and encouraging each other. They need, depend upon, and are affected by each other. The difference is, they realize they are different, and take responsibility for fulfilling their own lives individually as well as contributing to the relationship. Their lives are interdependent. They don’t fear intimacy, sharing feelings, asking for what they need in the relationship (different from what we want), they don’t give up friends, hobbies and activities that they enjoy apart from the other person. Independence is not seen as a threat in the relationship. In fact, the relationship gives them each more freedom to be themselves. They respect and support each others personal individuality , but are committed to the realationship too.
The bottom line is, people in healthy realtionships seek closeness….not oneness.
Debbie Sherrick is a private Coda Coach and is available for individual coaching in person or by phone.