As a codependency coach, I find that this time of year can be very stressful and anxiety producing for many people who have sad, painful memories from childhood at Christmas time. The holidays can trigger many things for us that may be good, or bad to us. I absolutely love the holidays and have wonderful memories as a child because it was one of the times during the year that my father loved and became very loving and available during Christmas. I knew I didn’t have to worry so much about Dad’s drunk behavior and abuse during the holidays as he tended to “behave” then and made Christmas very special for us. It may have been his alcoholic guilt that caused him to do that, but all I know is we didn’t have the feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop as we did the rest of the year. For this, I am very grateful!
This isn’t so though for many who grew up in dysfunctional homes. They remember fights, tension, stress, disappointments, raging, fear, helplessness and heartache. Until those memories are released at a cellular level and moved out at a subconscious level and processed through, our bodies will feel the feelings this time of year again and again. It’s a process.
Our subconscious minds are so powerful. It remembers sights, sounds, smells, feelings, thoughts, memories, and all of our senses. When these memories evoke uncomfortable feelings during the holidays, people do not always understand why they are feeling afraid, depressed, angry and anxious. They may feel low self worth this time of year because they had no one to be available to them emotionally this time of year, or were not meant to feel important. When we feel these feelings this time of year is when people go into their codependency coping behaviors. Maybe you go into martyr behavior and feel sorry for yourself and look to others to blame for your feelings. Sometimes you may feel the urge to control everything so you feel safe. You may also start to neglect yourself if you were neglected as a child. One thing that is common is that you may start to have unrealistic expectations of family members who are not available to you emotionally, setting ourselves up for disappointment and pain. Many of us are torn between what WE want to do during the holidays, and what we feel we HAVE to do to please others. We may feel guilty if we are not going along with others agenda because we are letting family members down and feel shame and not good enough.
Remember to keep in the now and ask yourself “what do I need to do to take care of myself”? We cannot change others, but we can do what feels good and loving for ourselves. We may have to detach from dysfunctional family members and remember that it’s ok to say NO. We can figure out an action plan that feels good to us and start creating wonderful Christmas memories for ourselves. No matter what the past held, we can create happier memories. Will you get backlash from others if they dont agree with your decisions? Probably. But that’s ok too. We are learning to take care of ourselves and to become healthier. People pleasing others at the cost of our own peace of mind and health is not loving and honoring the beautiful, loving person you are.
This year, create your own holiday agenda. Buy yourself a special gift, find loving people you can give to that will appreciate you and love you unconditionally. Surround yourself with safe pe0ple. If we have to be around family members that stir up uncomfortable feelings, set a boundary of the time to be around them and determine to emotionally detach from their actions. And most importantly, have the intention in 2015 to have a plan to release, let go of and heal the painful memories surrounding the holidays. Finish the business of the past, so you can create your own beautiful holiday memories.
Insideout Wellness Coach is available for individual codependency coaching.
Healthy Blessings,
Debbie Sherrick
Wellness/Coda Coach
www.insideoutwellnesscoach.com