Creating Boundaries In Relationships

I often am told by clients that they don’t know how to set boundaries in there relationships which leaves them feeling powerless in so many situations. Many of us have a hard time setting/upholding boundaries. Why? We believe it is “unkind” behavior. We want others to like/love us. We may feel afraid of being rejected and losing love and we also get caught up in trying to take care of others feelings and ours at the same time, which never works. We think that by relaxing our boundaries, it (shows or gives) more respect to people we value. However, remember that in order to be respected back in the specific/appropriate way related to a relationship, we “must” create & uphold boundaries. If not, others can abuse them. People will cross boundaries & test our limits…simply because we “allow” it. Find a balance, & boundary lines that are comfortable & acceptable to you. What is ok? What is not? What are deal breakers for you? What feels good and what doesn’t?  Where is the line crossed? Let others know. Explain each boundary & the consequence or action that will result if it is crossed so that others are “aware” & “clear” about it. If people are not clear about your particular acceptable boundaries, & you don’t ever enforce them, they will not “know” exactly…what they can & what they can not do. Boundaries are not unkind. They are simply normal & expected personal lines of respect. Enforcing them shows you respect yourself & others too. Remember that we teach others how to treat us by what we allow. As we learn to love and respect ourselves first, others will do the same eventually. Boundaries are another form of “self-love” and respect.

Boundaries are especially important with our children at all ages. As they become teenagers, it is important that they know the boundary lines and what the consequences will be. Alot of the times, I will help clients create contracts with their teens or adult children who still live at home. It will be clear about the boundaries of the home and behavior and the consequences if not followed. Both then sign it. It takes the arguing and debating out of the home. All is very clear in the contract. I had to do this once with a daughter several years ago as a young adult who moved back home. She broke the contract and the consequences were that she had one week to find somewhere else to live.  All I had to do was bring out the contract we both agreed on. Was it tough? Yes! Was it tough love? Yes, and it worked. Today, she has thanked me for it and I believe it created alot of respect in our relationship.

If we grew up in a home where there were no boundaries, or they were not consistent, it can be difficult to begin to develop them.  However, if someone or something is pushing us to our limit, the lesson may be that we are being pushed to take care of ourselves. The issue is boundaries. We can be grateful for the lesson that’s here to help us explore and set boundaries.

When we own our power to take care of ourselves—set a boundary, say no, change a relationship pattern, we will probable get what I call “back lash” from someone. That’s okay. We don’t have to let their reactions control us, stop us, or cause us to change our minds when it comes to being true to ourselves. It is not our responsibility to control their reactions.

We need to know how far we’ll go and how far we’ll allow others to go with us. Once we understand this, we can go anywhere.

Here to Empower You!

Debbie Sherrick

www.insideoutwellnesscoach.com