The holidays are upon us and it is during this time of year that a lot of us are around our families more than usual, or maybe the only time of year we are around them. We all have “family buttons”. No one can push our buttons more than family. It seems sometimes that all of our issues that we have worked on and came so far with come out around family during holiday season. Why is that? There can be several reasons, but I would like to address one in particular. People pleasing. It seems over the years that holiday time is when codependent clients have more crises because peoples boundaries get muddled, old feelings of “not good enough”, shame, fear, and rejection rear their ugly heads. It’s hard to be around certain family members when we have made so much growth and they still act out in the old dysfunctional behaviors. The more we grow and work on our self esteem and validating our selves, our buttons are not so easily pushed and we are not so reactive to others. Being around family members can be a gauge each year to how far we have come.
People pleasing may have been a behavior we developed in our family to survive. I remember trying to always people please my Father growing up for his approval and to not rock the boat and have the consequences of his anger. Maybe we didn’t get the love and attention we deserved so we became people pleasers. Maybe we didn’t get permission to please ourselves or ever say “No”.
People pleasers are not grounded in their identity of self and need others to validate them, like them, love them, and need them. After all, codependents need to be needed to feel loved. Remember that it is impossible to take care of your own feelings and someone else’s at the same time. There is a fine line between being giving and helpful and being a people pleaser. Besides all of that, people pleasing is exhausting! Ask yourself these questions:
Do you feel anxious if others are unhappy with you or your choices?
Do you need others approval to feel OK?
Do you give others feelings, needs and wants precedence over your own?
Do you silence your own needs and feelings to not upset others?
Do you work hard at trying to become what you feel others need you to be or what is expected of them?(especially romantic relationships)
Do you find yourself trying to fit in to be accepted by others?
The more we look outside of ourselves in order to be OK inside, the greater your separation will be from your true inner self and the stronger is the need or addiction to someone or something outside of ourselves to fill the emptiness inside.
This holiday season, set your intention to be true to yourself. Always pay close attention to how you are feeling in your solar plex center (your empowerment center). Does something not feel right? Are you saying Yes, when you really mean No? What makes you happy and gives you peace? Maybe you need to detach from certain family members right now. That’s OK too. Plan ahead of time personal boundaries you need to implement to feel safe. Yes, you may get backlash because when you stop people pleasing you may get some flack. That is OK too. Take the responsibility to love on yourself and take care of you. Spend 5 minutes each day to sit and reflect, get our of your head of obsessing and just feel.
Have a plan for the holidays that will not send you into a tailspin of the “codependency crazies”. When you take responsibility for yourself and have self-love and self-respect, others will mirror that to you also.
Much Love,
Debbie Sherrick
Wellness/Codependency coach