Oh yes, that ever looming familiar habit of needing things to be going smoothly to have peace and contentment. I know it all too well. Yesterday, as I was speaking and telling the story of my childhood and life and how “InsideOut Wellness” came to fruition, it reminded me again of how many years I spent so much energy in trying to fix, control and manipulate outside circumstances so I could feel safe and content on the inside. I was reminded as I told about me as a little girl so full of fear waiting for the next alcoholic explosion, spent so much of my childhood trying to control the environment in my home (and my alcoholic father) to feel safe and happy on the inside. 
This morning during my quiet time I came across a scripture that reminded me of how much God has always had my back. “I am with you always and will watch over and keep you wherever you go.” As I look back over the years, I can honestly say that he has kept his promise of that. Codependents (and many people) tend to think their circumstances determine the quality of their life. So they pour all of their energy in trying to control and fix those situations so they can feel safe and happy on the inside. I can so vividly remember what a thermostat I was with my second husband who was an addict (and my greatest teacher). His moods, relapses, behavior, regulated my happiness. I felt happy when things were going well and sad, depressed and frustrated when things didn’t turn out as I had hoped. I didn’t question the correlation between my circumstances and feelings. I remember my favorite coda therapist one time told me that I could learn to be happy and content no matter what my addict was doing. I had absolutely no clue what she meant by that and it wasn’t even in my radar to believe or perceive that. However, at that time, I had no tools or understanding that my happiness and contentment depended on me not my circumstances. I also didn’t know how at that time to not loose myself and my own identity in relationships. I just knew how to give all my power away to others. Then become the victim of how I was being treated.
I want to also be clear about what this means and does NOT mean. When I decided at that time to work on my own happiness and stop trying to control my circumstances and others, it did not mean that I ignored how I was being treated, relationships that were toxic, or didn’t address things that needed to be confronted. I had to learn to set boundaries, detach in love, figure out what was a deal breaker for me, stop trying to make people available who were not, and learn to take responsibility for my own peace and happiness no matter what was going on with circumstances and others. Easy? Absolutely not. Possible? Yes! And so worth it!
I still have to work on this one. I have to check in periodically when I’m feeling down or unhappy and see if its because my outside circumstances are controlling my feelings. At that time, I have a choice to change how I feel and what I can do to make that happen for myself. I have to unplug my energy from whatever I am attached to. So check in with yourself right now. Are your circumstances determining the quality of your life? Be honest and ask yourself if you are allowing others behaviors, or what you can’t control determine your happiness. Are you still giving all that power away to things and people outside of yourself? Learning to detach and stop blaming takes practice and awareness of why we have not learned to take care of our own happiness and feelings. It’s a journey that is well worth the ride. Let’s practice awareness today of how much we allow circumstances and others to determine our feelings. We can always reach for a thought or action that will bring us back into balance of feeling good. It’s up to us.
Much Love,
Debbie Sherrick/Holistic Codependency Coach